"That's the wisdom of trees"

My spiritual guide and teacher were on our weekly call yesterday. I hope one day you get to meet her, perhaps on a group call with members or as a podcast guest. As we went through my focusing practice, I entered what felt to be one of the most wholesome meditative states I've ever experienced. 

I mentioned feeling my centre. 

My anchor point continued to come back to my hands. 

After about a half hour of being in this centred state of being, having that connection with myself wasn't something I wanted to lose. 

"I don't want to open my eyes. If I open my eyes, I'll lose touch. I'll lose myself."

Anchoring my attention in my hands, rather than what I saw, I was then guided into opening my eyes slowly and gently. 

Outside my window in the front yard are two maple trees without leaves in the Canadian winter season. I looked at the trees and my eyes began to water as if I was truly seeing them for the first time. 

That's really been a theme through this journey of being off antidepressants that not many people understand. I'm experiencing everything again, for the first time. 

I'd never seen a tree in this state of attention and presence. I still don't quite know what to call it. 

As I began to cry softly and smile, she looked at me and said:

"That's the wisdom of trees"

I can't begin to describe how important focusing and compassionate inquiry has been to me throughout this past year. I wanted to be able to do it all alone, but I reached my breaking point where there were just too many things I didn't know. 

The only way I could truly take care of myself was reach out for wisdom. 

My meditation practice is now scheduled every morning and every afternoon. 

These blog posts may not make much sense as I'm sure if I was reading them I'd be like,

"Yo, what's this guy going through?"

Well, it felt like and feels like dying while I enter what Richard Rohr calls "The Second Half of Life"

So one thing this means, as I can sense it now from distance is that I'm finally living. I'm just embracing what it truly means to be human. 

Thanks for reading. 

Scott